haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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