My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
