you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
