i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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