Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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