I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
