Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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