Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
