What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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