yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
