I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
