We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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