I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
