What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
