I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
