Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
