You don't have asthma, your pregnant
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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