My room smells like vodka and shame
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
