I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
