Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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