I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
