Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
