I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
