They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
