He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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