I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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