Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
