so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
