WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
soo... how was my night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
