1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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