On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When are your genitals available?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
