his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
