For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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