I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
