I wish my penis had an off switch
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
