I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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