Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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