Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
