I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i don't like sucking hair
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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