Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
