The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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