Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
