I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I fill condoms, not promises.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
