It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
