I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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