the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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