There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
