Taylor Swift is so right about you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
