I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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