Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
