hotel room ftw
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
