I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
