Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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