He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
